A higher ground

haven’t been updating in ages, with A levels exactly in 1 month’s time… and that means about 6 weeks to freedom! wow… i hope that can really come soon.

alot had happened, school term is ending next week before study break… many ups and downs i would say that happen in jc life. i wished i could have enjoyed more, seriously, enjoyed more of the past, the present and probably more of it. But through it all in my life, God has been faithful towards me and i just stand in awe of how much God has done. though i may not explicitly say it, but i’m really thankful not just of the decent results, but also for going through personal struggles, and God has been there always.

i don’t do things for myself, i do it for Him. it may sounds absurd, ridiculous but my driving force in life has always been God. What i do, i don’t want to just score well and say that it’s my effort but whatever i do, i know that i need to depend on God. yup i’m weak (and so is everyone else) no matter how capable one thinks he or she is, but at the end of the day there are still limitations. and at the end of the day, we feel so stressed up, frustrated and then we turn to God. and when things do go well, we say we are fine and we think that by our wisdom we can get things done. But things won’t get done at the end of the day seriously, and we have to turn to God anyways unless one insists that he/she is very capable (which i really doubt it). So life can be much simple, given the fact that life on the outside has been made so complex, i just want to live a simple life, a simple mind, a simple approach towards life. everything made simple with Him.

i was literally angry today. angry over things that doesn’t seem right, getting agitated over things. maybe i’m feeling tired and moody and that could explain.
bus attendants, councillors, myself and everything under the sun… i have never been randomly angry over nothing for quite a long while. maybe it’s because school started today after a break and i didn’t want to face reality.

this feeling haunted me again after a long period of time. seriously it isn’t pleasant.

and sleeping did help to cool me down. but it didn’t really solve the problem. it’s about putting down all these feelings (that appear out of nowhere) and lay it before Him. It’s about saying i don’t benefit from being angry because it will not only hurt myself but hurt others unintentionally. It’s about trying to put aside all these frustrations and really live life (as in me preparing for As ) and enjoy the process of it no matter how tough it may seem. Yup enjoy it.

Finally the prelims are over and I’m trying to enjoy myself as much as in this long weekend before the work and stress piles up again. it’s really such a joy to find yourself in this relax and enjoyable mood but unfortunately only for a few days. But nonetheless it’s better than nothing.

And lately some issues have been prevailing in my mind, about being true to oneself. It hasn’t really affected me directly in one way or another but rather I guess it’s important and crucial for one to be honest with oneself, with the people we relate to and yea more importantly genuine friendships. It really bothers me to see how friendships are ruined (not mine) just because of one person backstabbing the other, it really bothers me to see how cruel individuals are today, always seeking for their self-interest and self-gain at the expense of their friendships with others and oh wells, it’s kinda sad. Even if friendships remain intact, on the surface it seems genuine when you see how friends relate to one another, but on the other hand, you see how cruel they can become by backstabbing their close friend. (I’m not pointing at anyone here) But it goes to show how fragile friendships are if one doesn’t stay genuine and true to one another.

It’s an issue of trust altogether. While friendships are built, one may still be suspicious of their friends and not trust them totally, complaining and ridiculing their friends in one way or another. Maybe this form of suspicion is due to one’s upbringing and personal experiences in the past… but I believe it isn’t healthy to hold such grudges against one another even if one backstabs you. Coz no one will win and yea, move on with life and live life to the happiest that you can be. I gotta admit it isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’s important to really stay true to oneself and friends, to air out genuine feelings with one another and build up the trust that is authentic and not pseudo. That’s what I believe friendships are all about.

And even if the friend fails you so badly, you may get so down but it isn’t healthy to backstab the other person coz one doesn’t stand to win anyway. At the same time, I’m not saying that one should become a stepping mat for one to be bullied all the time. But it’s in the power of forgiveness and love that brings about a greater good for everyone!

I dunno why I’m writing this but I just felt the need to air this out. And of course it’s genuine.

it felt like the exams had ended… unfortunately not … have been really slacking since the end of ytd’s chem paper… total liberation. haven’t done anything since yesterday though i intended to study…

anyways it was the first time i managed to stay for the whole of cell today and not miss any part of it at all… cool coz i always have to leave earlier to go for tuition. and was kinda fun today enjoying myself after weeks of not being able to make it for cell…

well its just a few more days and i guess i’m gonna have some fun after prelims and it’s back to the tedious preparation for As again. oh wells, since i’ve already reached all the way til this stage, should just give my best shot eh…

nat =(

cool video … true love indeed

Verse 1
Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is. But I’m a tell you what true love is. Love is not what you see in the movies. Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene, you know what I mean? I’m telling you right now, true love is sacrifice. Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself, love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love. Love is when you lay down your life for another, whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister, its even laying down your life for your enemies, that’s unthinkable, but think about that. Love is true. Think.

Chorus:

I’ll put you in front of me
So everybody can see
My love, this is my love

I know that I’ll be alright
As long as you are my guide
My love, this is my love

Verse 2
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres.
Love never fails. Love is everlasting, its eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time, love is the only thing that will last when you die, but ask the question why? Do you have love?

Chorus

Verse 3
There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends. Now are you willing to lay down your life for your friends? You’re probably willing to lay down your life for your mother, your father, or your best friends, but are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you? I’m going to tell you who did that, the definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love. The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow, hanging on a cross for your sin my sins, that is LOVE he died for you and me while we still hated him, that is love. God is true love, and if you don’t know this love, now is the time to know, perfect love.

in times of distress, in times of heaviness, it’s just coming before God and just praising Him, having all our burdens and worries taken away!

And at the end of the day, i just stand in awe of what He has done! =)

it’s 10 days to prelims. woah i just hope that it could be more days to prelims, the more the better but reality doesn’t seem to show it that way. It’s so pressurizing at this moment, never have i thought that i will feel the intense pressure, starting last week when i saw the horrible prelim schedule. and it was so frustrating so many things to cover again in such a short span of time. and i was literally worried over an exaggerated sort of fear. i’ve faced this sort of situation many times and i thought that i could overcome it easily but it wasn’t. in fact it took someone to approach me to tell me to have joy in studying and be thankful that there’s at least time to study. i was taken aback and took this friend to speak to me what i really needed to here. Over the weekend, i was refreshed and felt all my burdens lifted up to God.

and when i thought it was all over, something hit me real hard today. When others have high expectations, they expect one to produce results far greater. I took such a comment  literally hard on myself, got myself affected and it affected my mood for the paper. i had told myself not to be affected, even told my friends not to be affected, but yeah i felt really uneased. but it’s through this that i learn how to  trust and commit to God , praying and believing that He will take charge and bless each and everyone of us no matter who we are.

Sitting down together as a group in the food court, someone came towards me and called out my name. A pleasant surprise indeed – it wasn’t one but three of them that approached my brother and I. I was taken aback at the moment but nonetheless I talked to them for a while. For too long, I hadn’t been in contact with them (not that I didn’t want to) . Well, they now know that I’ve moved to another church, and honestly speaking, it wasn’t easy for me to make that change initially.

Or rather I had no intention to move to another area of new beginnings new things and new changes. Somehow or rather I sense that God wanted to move to a higher ground. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my previous church, in fact I would say that it’s good. But somehow or rather at the beginning of this year, I sense that I personally needed to grow. I really did not expect anything significant this year considering that I’m busy preparing myself for the As, but somehow or rather things start to fall in place so nicely as I began to embrace the change. It all started when I visited this new church – it wasn’t the first time I’ve been here and just attended the service with my parents. Had no intention whatsoever to move here – it wasn’t on my mind. But one day after the main service, someone approached me and my brother, asking us to join them for youth. Er… I was kind of hesitant to reply because I know that I was just visiting and had no intention to move. I had moved to my previous church four years back, and it’s not too long that I thought that I had settle down. So I was hesitant and was not receptive to this suggestion, claiming that I was busy and I couldn’t make it for the youth service. On the other hand, I sense that I personally need to grow and it was only later on that I realize that  the phrase ‘A Higher Ground’ became so apt to me in my life. So I attended the first youth service back in April, and it was cool! But yet I was thinking if I should stay in my previous church and not make the move. I was caught in a dilemma whether to move or not, the exact same situation I was in three years back. But I sense a tugging in my heart that God wanted me to go to a higher ground with Him, sensing that I just needed to grow. It was tough real tough to make that decision – there wasn’t anything wrong with my previous church but I knew that I just had to grow and move on.

 More surprisingly, there were people whom I know prior entering my current church and they were in the same zone. Wow! And later I realize that people from my cell are quite close with one j1 schoolmate whom I know. Aside from this cool ‘networking’, it was during one service that I knew I had to move. I was waiting for signs and wonders but somehow or rather it didn’t came explicitly , I just knew it from the bottom of my heart that I’ve been growing – which God wanted me to for growing is a sign of spiritual health. And lately, I was just talking to one of my schoolmate who had shifted to her current church last year, and the position that she was in was similar to mine. It was all about growing here. So I knew that God wanted me to move, and I’ve been coping with it positively or rather coping it well.

it isn’t the first time i heard this song. but the lyrics are just wonderfully meaningful.

it’s more than just being at this level. contrary to the people around me, my life at the moment is satisfactory, there’s not much obstacles struggles that i face. and i was asking God if it’s okay to feel this way. People around me are facing the totally opposite situation from me, feeling down and at times i feel helpless to help them because i’m not in that position and i may not be at the best position to understand them. No matter how much i may try to help, they may say you don’t understand, you are not in my shoes or you just will never understand.

As it may seem satisfactory being at a comfortable position in life at the moment, i’m also afraid what might happen next – where whatever goes up come down, with ups and downs in life. Maybe i’ve been in the downside for a long time and don’t feel at ease being at a comfortable high end. i’m not so sure what’s happening next but im trusting God, hoping that it’ll be good in the  next few weeks and months.

And another reason why i may feel uncomfortable being at the happy comfortable side of life is that it is a dangerous point to become complacent and perceive that this good season will continue for a long period of time. It dawned upon me that there’s something far better and greater than the status quo, and i’ve got to yearn for it and move on to a higher level. It’s at the point of satisfaction where we feel happy and don’t advance, sticking to the status quo of comfortability. But is this the best in moulding myself and gearing myself for uphill battle ahead? It’s through the ups and downs in life that one will grow, that one will be stronger and even in the status quo where everything looks fine, i am learning that it is perfectly alright to be happy and accept the comfortable status quo, but at the same time i’ve to be mindful of the need to move on and progress to something far greater than the status quo. life is just more than this, it’s about advancing towards the things God has planned, it’s about moving on to the higher ground.

It’s simply more than this.